Between “Sex means orgasm for me” and “Oh, that’s not so important / Without it is also nice!” There is actually a lot more. Sometimes having an orgasm is just so important; other times it comes unexpectedly, and sometimes it just doesn’t come at all and that fits or bothers you.
It becomes difficult when the orgasm pressure comes. And it doesn’t really matter with whom: either the pressure to bring it to someone else (hey, who is actually responsible for your own orgasm? Have a discussion with your partner) or the pressure to finally have it yourself.
With pressure and orgasm it is like clenching your fist for a long time: the blood flow is reduced and the ankles become completely white. Translated this means: If the body tenses, becomes stiff (no, not the penis or the clitoris – the other parts), and this over a longer period of time and not in the interplay with relaxation, then it can become more and more difficult to get to the point of no return ”when you know that you are about to be overwhelmed by orgasm.
For many, tension is also an absolute aid to arousal and orgasm: bent legs, drawn toes, and high muscle tension during masturbation or sex can be a fairly effective mode. If there is no problem with it, then it is not one, but simply your own way to get into pleasure.
For some, however, this also has its limitations, for example if they experience little sense of pleasure, experience it as an effort to come or, on the contrary, as uncontrollably fast; Others, on the other hand, come up against very practical limits if, for example, they are used to coming with closed, pressed legs – but the whole thing no longer works so easily with open legs during sex for two.
Incorporating mini-changes helps! Even when it comes to masturbation
By the way, it’s always exciting to observe: What is my body doing to get me excited that I then feel as pleasure? Sexologists who work in terms of sex therapy deal with precisely this question: Take a very close look (in the professional sense of course: ask) how a person works on the body level during sex, whether and where there is (tension) there, which movements can be done as the breath flows and the rhythm changes.
Because the source of excitement, which we can then perceive as pleasurable, pleasant, tingly, stimulating or horny, for example, is our body. There the excitement is “made” and with our body we also feel the pleasure! And of course our minds produce accordingly: Sex fantasies, for example. Or anything cognitive that can sometimes get in your way and feel like you can’t “turn your head off”.
Make around and change something! Just one. Do you always lie on your back when you masturbate? Then on your stomach, or sitting, standing, etc.
If you want to feel even more or finally have an orgasm (even without pressure!), Then small mini-changes are a good start on the way to a suitable and even more satisfying sex life. If there is really a pressure of suffering – and maybe for a long time – then it is absolutely helpful to go to sexual counseling or therapy and to get an idea of it together and with professional support (and I tell you: these are really new findings! ) what your own body is actually doing and then understanding the very individual contexts and getting body exercises that help.
To all those who are in the mood for something new and want to expand their sensing radius, even without necessarily having a “problem”: mess around with yourself and change something! Just one. Do you always lie on your back when you masturbate? Then on your stomach, or sitting, standing, etc. Changing the pressure and intensity is also an idea.
For everyone with a penis: Don’t move your hand up and down – just slide your pelvis and with it the penis into your hand. Could feel very different! The same principle works with the vulva. If a woman usually keeps her body very still and only moves her fingers, you can turn it around and move your fingers, your hand or whatever. Or venture towards the entrance to the vagina, under, over, in – whatever works and whatever feels good.
Sometimes go very slowly, sometimes as quickly as possible. Take a break in between and take a deep breath. And if you are into mindfulness mediation, you can breathe consciously into sex. That has never hurt.
What works for you is simply complemented by good
The good thing about it is that you can and should keep everything you like, already know well and have turned you on so far. And smuggled in a little bit of the new in between to see what’s going on. If you suddenly do everything completely differently, it will inevitably initially come at the expense of pleasure, because the body is used to our patterns and knows which stimuli it has learned to combine with pleasure.
So when you notice: yikes, that’s very different now and my lust is gone, you can just think back. And return to where you turned.
Either way, everyone can learn to feel more at certain points. Why else would we all have different “erogenous zones” if our bodies had not developed them individually. Do you know the movie “Pretty best friends?” In one scene, the protagonist Philippe, who is paralyzed in a wheelchair, has his ears massaged and caressed by a sex worker and visibly feels more than many people doing very different massages.
New erogenous zones and new exciting touches and movements can be found and baptized.
What I’m getting at: New erogenous zones and new exciting touches and movements can be found and baptized. And where is that better and more calm than touching and caressing yourself?
This is based on the assumption that the body is capable of learning and can master a very large repertoire. Just like playing the piano: if you only have a few notes available, you will be able to create beautiful, simple melodies. If you really like it – everything is great.
But if you have to evade (maybe a key is broken!), Or the melody options get boring, you can make yourself aware that the whole keyboard is there. Playing a black key every now and then is a start. And the more keys you have available, the more different and more complex songs can be played.
And even if you still prefer the simple one – the scope just increases. So get to the body, caress, smell, feel, taste, move and pause – so that we can enjoy our lust.